If You Wish to Survive, Stop the Live Tiger's Release

Salman Bhai's *Toofan*, *Jaadugar*, and *Ajooba* phase has arrived. Watching the trailer of *Tiger Zinda Hai*, one gets the distinct impression that if one wishes to survive, one had better prevent this live tiger from being released. *Tubelight* dealt a massive blow to his stardom. After a second shock, he will have to pump in his own money like Shah Rukh just to keep the film running in theatres to preserve the brand.

The greatest predicament at such a juncture is that one understands nothing oneself, and those offering counsel are all sycophants and hangers-on. Bhai has earned nothing but hangers-on in life. Even at home, there are two such stooges. One stooge said, "Bhai, grow a beard, it is the latest trend. It will hide the double chin as well." Bhai grew a beard. Bhai has expanded into a full-fledged fat man. In the end result, Bhai looks like a halwai (sweetmaker). But who dares tell him? Nobody wishes to court death.
The other said, "Bhai, 'swag' is all the rage these days; have a disciple compose a swag song." Bhai said, "Oy, make the song." The song was ready: *Swag Se Karenge Sabka Swagat*. What an utterly wretched song. Katrina has suddenly turned into a relic of a bygone era. When exactly that happened, no one noticed. Time had flown this swiftly only once before, in *Interstellar*.

There is another song in the trailer, a Punjabi one, which is being praised to the skies for heaven knows what reasons. Frankly speaking, watching this song makes one suspect whether this film is a remake of Amitabh Bachchan’s *Black*. Sequels are all the rage these days; it could well be a sequel.

Salman Khan, who is a professor of espionage, takes on his innocent disciple—a struggling Pakistani spy who has been trying unsuccessfully for years to cross the Wagah border without a visa. Salman, who also runs a program titled *Chaman Ki Asha*, undertakes her training as a challenge, tutors her in the arts of subterfuge and performance, and, seizing opportunities in between, extracts his guru dakshina (traditional honorarium offered to a teacher) in the form of a 'swag' welcome. All of this transpires at an undisclosed location.
Then one day, the authorities at Delhi's Max Hospital take some patients hostage, to rescue whom Salman Khan and his Pakistani dancer-paramour are awarded a contract. Bhai arrives, wrecks the hospital, and departs.

Even from the trailer, the film looks like utter rubbish. The very elements that once made Salman Khan’s films work are absent. For one, the story does not seem tested. They could have at least tested the waters by having it made in the South first; had it succeeded, they could have copied it scene-for-scene into Hindi. Now, since some hanger-on must have made it, it inevitably turned out like the films Sohail Khan makes. All in all, the future does not appear bright. Even after taking a bribe, one would not be able to award it more than 3.5 stars.