If Bill Gates Starts a Religion

If Bill Gates were to start a mazhab (religion), the verses of the holy book would be as follows—

Windows is the only Operating System; wage jihad against whoever uses Linux or Mac.

As soon as the holy month (the March fiscal closing) passes, raid their offices. Break their computers, extract their hard drives, for yours is the right to the spoils of war.

If they still do not submit, extract jizya from them.

If they repent and get Windows XP installed, forgive them; verily, your CEO is most merciful and compassionate.

We provided them a graphic interface, supported more memory and more storage, yet those ignorant ones use the command-line interface—for them is a severe torment. On the day of qayamat (judgment day), their hard drive will crash and their cabinet will catch fire.

O users of 'XP'! Do not take the users of Ubuntu and RedHat as friends. They are allies of one another. And whoever among you makes friends with them shall be one of them. Verily, Gates does not guide the wrongdoers.

They wish that you should use Android just as they did, so that you become alike. So do not make any of them your companions until they perform hijrat (emigration) in the way of Windows; and if they turn back, seize them and slay them wherever you find them. And do not take any of them as a companion or helper.

'O users of 'XP'! Do not make your fathers and your brothers your friends if they prefer Ubuntu over XP. And whoever among you ties bonds of friendship with them, such indeed are the oppressors.

'Those who refused to take our certification, we shall soon cast them into the Fire. As often as their skins are roasted through, We shall replace them with other skins so that they may taste the punishment. Verily, Gates is Almighty, All-Wise.

Among the people of Windows, there will be those who pirate. You will think they are from Microsoft, but they are not from Microsoft. They will say, "This is from Microsoft," but it is not from Microsoft. That is their conspiracy against Microsoft, and they know it (do it deliberately).

After XP, installing Office shall be an absolute duty upon you! Furthermore, bringing those living in the darkness of Lotus and PageMaker to Office shall be considered a righteous deed of great reward—in exchange for this virtue, the Lord meets you as a beloved on the day of qayamat, saves you from the blasts of hellfire, and grants you rivers of milk and honey!

Every Windows user may attach 4 USB devices, provided he is supporting a destitute USB in this manner and the first USB has no objection.
On a 55-year-old computer, you may plug in a 9-year-old USB.

'Verily, Gates has purchased from the users of XP their lives and their properties in exchange for a 500 GB hard drive full of porn; they fight in the cause of Windows, so they kill and are killed.'

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Note—This has not been written to hurt anyone's feelings. If it bears any resemblance to any mazhab, it shall be called mere coincidence.